What Women Really Want (Before Having Sex)

Published: January 23, 2020

I’ve been talking to women and couples about sex (in intimate detail!) for over a decade. Women often talk about the relationship component of their sex drive. We discuss what things their partners do that are a HUGE turn off and what things really turn them ON. In this blog post, I feel compelled to share a 4 things that women do NOT want and 4 things that women really DO want that are pretty much universal.

4 Things That Women do NOT Want

1.) Putting them down – before you say, “I’d never do that,” listen up. Putting a woman down isn’t always being overtly rude and mean-spirited. Putting a woman down includes make negative comments about the way she looks, keeps the house, parents the kids, organizes her life and job, etc. If these are areas of concern, have a heartfelt conversation, but don’t just make negative comments. 

I had a client who stayed home with twins while her husband worked outside of the house. When her husband came home, he would sometimes comment, “Why is the house such a mess? You’ve been home all day.” Now before we make him a villain, understand that he has a need for neatness. (Can anyone relate?) 🙋🏻‍♀️But staying home with a baby, let alone two, is really hard and some days the shit hits the fan, almost literally. (Can anyone relate?) 🙋🏻‍♀️So with a little coaching, this became a great conversation instead of a put down. Many things came out of that conversation that lead to increased libido!

2.) Guilt trips – Focusing on the past with statements like, “we haven’t had sex in 4 weeks,” or “you never feel like having sex,” is sure to kill desire. Again, this could be a great conversation but as a one-liner, it falls flat. 

And whatever you do, NEVER say, “You owe me.” Trust me, it doesn’t go well.

3.) Doing little immature things they don’t like – OK, so this seems obvious when I say it. But so many men continue to do things that their wives have specifically said, “please stop doing that, it’s immature, it turns me off.” They do it anyway because they think it’s funny or they think you should like it. Exactly what those those things are varies quite a bit from relationship to relationship.

I had a client who’s husband sang, “My anaconda don’t want none unless you’ve got buns, hon,” and had a little dance he liked to get silly with. Now, I personally would have thought that was hilarious. I really value laughter in my relationship, so that might’ve been a turn on for me. But NOT for his wife. And that’s what’s important, no matter how amusing he thought it was. The solution was so simple: once he saw that his actions were robbing him of the chance to be intimate with his wife, he changed his ways a little bit.

4.) Pressuring her to do things she doesn’t want to do – Whether we’re talking about a particular sexual act or having sex in a specific location or time (or time of the month). Again, this could be a great conversation about the reasons behind individual comfort levels when it comes to sex. But don’t use these lines from my clients:

“You’re no fun because you don’t want to…” or “It’s no big deal to…”

No one likes to feel pressured into doing something they don’t want to do.

4 Things That Women Really DO Want

1.) Show interest in her – Many women feel more emotionally connected when you show interest. A little “how was your day?” or “what do you think about…” can go a long way. Showing interest just requires a few questions followed by active listening with eye contact. It’s amazing how 5-10 min can change a person’s mood, connection with their partner, and libido.

2.) Show interest in the family – Culturally, many women are the head of the household when it comes to what the kids are doing. Did he get signed up for soccer? When’s her science fair? Does she have the right leotard for dance? Sometimes it feels like the burden of caring for the family (even though they may enjoy it!) falls much more on women. 

For many women, just asking about how the kids are doing in activities or getting along with their friends shows that you care about the family as much as she does, and creates a HUGE feeling of connection and bonding.

3.) Compliment her – Most people like to be complimented, and in the beginning of relationships compliments are flying left and right. So why do the compliments stop? Even if she’s heard the same compliment before, she’ll still want to hear it again as long as you mean it every time.

Do you ever look at your wife and think, “I love the way she is/does/makes…”? Say it out loud!!! Every time, seriously.

4.) Help her – This is for all my “acts of service” women out there. And there are many! For them, DOING something for them. Call and ask if you want her to pick up dinner on your way home. Empty the dishwasher. Give her a shoulder rub.

One day my husband put gas in my car AND got the emissions inspection done! 🔥

When Abe Lincoln said, “Actions speak louder than words,” he wasn’t talking about his marriage, but I bet he and Mary had a pretty close bond. 

If you’re wondering whether these really apply to your wife, ASK! What a great way to start a conversation.

I’m sincerely wishing you a long, happy, fulfilled relationship, inside the bedroom and out! 

I’m committed to helping couples thrive! For an experienced outsider’s perspective on your unique situation and for help with solving issues in the bedroom, please check out the ways that you can work with me

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Hi, I'm

Dr. Lauren Crigler.

I specialize in pelvic floor therapy, and have spent over a decade helping women have sex without pain.

I’m here to help you stop having pain and start really enjoying your sex life.

My favorite part of what I do is helping women reconnect with their partner. This isn’t just a job for me; it’s a passion!

Are you ready to look forward to Friday nights? If you want to have sex without vaginal or pelvic pain, you can work with me via professional coaching.